The old saw “never judge a book by its cover” is especially true when it comes to the self-help genre. Book jackets promise to reveal secrets, to unlock the mysteries of success, and to help leaders transform themselves into being exceptional, wealthy and wise. If only it were so.
I sort self-help books into three categories. Those deemed useless you will never read about here. Sadly there are more than a few in this grouping. Then there are the useful books, which may or may not lead to millions or a stellar C-suite position, but could reliably make a difference. Lastly are the useful works that bring more than self-help to the reader. These are the books that make one think, that connect research to practice. Happily thanks to the gift of a friend, I have a new entry in this last category. It is thoughtful, well-written and provocative, even if its title does not do it justice.
Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection is a best-selling and well-reviewed book by Charles Duhigg. A prolific journalist, Duhigg writes for The New Yorker, was an editor at The New York Times, and he has won a Pulitzer Prize for investigative journalism. He also pens business books aimed at improving personal performance: The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. Duhigg’s skill and perspective as a journalist sets Supercommunicators apart. While at times a basic reminder of what many of us may already know or sense, it is a most interesting blend of anecdote, research, and guide.
Duhigg confesses that the book’s genesis was his own shortcomings. He thought of himself as a successful communicator, for writing is, after all, an exalted form of communication. But with colleagues and family, he found himself consistently unable to communicate effectively. The book is his effort at figuring out “why communication goes awry and what we can do to make it better.”
The focus is on face to face, one on one communication. The book has little to say about group presentations, public speaking, or mass communication. Duhigg posits that most conversations fall into three basic types: What’s This Really About? How Do We Feel? and Who Are We? The categories are not mutually exclusive and conversations may shift or pivot. Each type of conversation has its own rough logic and rules. The classifications are proposed as a means to appreciate what is underneath a conversation. Accordingly, if we understand what kind of conversation is taking place, we can communicate more effectively.
Central to the book’s theme, Duhigg very much believes that the most meaningful conversations involve learning. These interactions enable us to “learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn.”
The book opens with a history of a legendary CIA spy recruiter, supplemented with research into how some people are more effective at matching their neural impulses with others. One builds better and deeper communication by listening closely, knowing how to ask the right questions, and making sure that our feelings/emotions are easy to perceive. Some people are much better at this than others. They are not necessarily the most charismatic, attractive or informed people in the room. They often appear seem to be average, but what sets them apart is that people flock to them. These “supercommunicators” enable a kind of synchronization in those that they are talking with, aligning connection. For this to happen, participants in a conversation have to understand and to feel that they are having the same sort of conversation. Moreover, that shared understanding facilitates forms of matching, such as aligned emotions or a common direction of the conversation. Supercommunicators does this exceptionally well. Duhigg’s book shows how to gain these skills.
Learning, Duhigg asserts, can frame an entire exchange. The rules for better conversations include paying attention to the kind of communication taking place, sharing goals – and asking about the other’s goals, asking about feelings and sharing one’s own, and if needed, exploring identities. A detailed account of a jury’s deliberations gives life to these abstract guidelines. Real life examples are sprinkled throughout the book, as is scholarly research.
Negotiation offers further understanding in the framing of a conversation. Are the participants looking for the same goal or outcomes. Duhigg looks at how doctors talk to patients about risk to explain this in more detail. Should a man with slow-growth prostrate cancer get surgery? There are costs and benefits. Different patients want and value different things. A physician may explain risk from a medical perspective, while a patient’s priorities might be completely different. The result is a failed conversation, traced back to a lack of mutual understanding. Duhigg shows how misalignment results when participants in a conversation do not appreciate differences in goals and strategies.
Supercommunicators provides helpful guidelines for better conversations. They are not surprising and Duhigg acknowledges that many are well-known. The book’s strength is in explaining the why behind them, giving a higher-level structure and understanding to what makes for effective communication. After all, we need to give thoughtful attention and truly care about our interactions if we want them to work. Faking it is not an option. People can tell. Listening, for example, calls for much more than leaning forward. The alignment of laughter, research indicates, is very important. Fake laughter can be a major turn off, short-circuiting a conversation. Our bodies, our questions, our energy and more all impact communication. Likewise, they are critical to sharing emotions and feelings.
A reassuring high-level symmetry made me appreciate Supercommunicators. Duhigg’s exhortation in the conclusion is all about intentionality. “What’s important is wanting to connect, wanting to understand someone, wanting to have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scare, or when it would be so much easier to walk away.” So much is possible when we want to connect, and this book offers a both reasons and a path to make that much more realizable.
David Potash